Bales for Baghdad

Post date: Dec 10, 2008 11:53:30 PM

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"Bales For Baghdad"

By Oggy Ozzwald

BAGHDAD—When the terrorist insurgency in Iraq abruptly terminated, skeptics were stunned. Even staunch supporters were puzzled. "Had the President's latest 'surge' done the trick?" The Intelligencer had supported this strategy but the suddenness of the end raised eyebrows to say the least. Days had passed since the last roadside bomb, suicide bomber, etc. The President hastily called a press conference and announced, "Due to the cessation of terrorist activity I will immediately begin withdrawing the troops." The priorities were the ones with four or five tours of duty and were the first in line. The ones with brain damage (real or feigned) were next. (A severe head injury was not proof of brain damage.) Military people in this country lament that it's a daunting task to recruit for the National Guard. Imagine recruiting suicide bombers. Ah, but I digress. The Wall Street Intelligencerwanted to know what happened. Someone named Mavis O'Malley had been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. I decided to start there. Mavis O'Malley is the founder of "Mavis' Intemperance Club." Critics say Mavis delivers alcohol and drugs to people that society has long since cut off. With the legalization of most drugs and the decriminalization of many others, this entrepreneur is convinced she has discovered a colossal untapped niche market. How does anyone get nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize? After some parrying, Mavis started to talk. I switched on my "stores all."

"One day after a particularly horrendous news report, I said to no one in particular, ' These folks are way too uptight. They need to mellow out. Bales of marijuana were needed, not bombs. I called a conservative talk radio show with my idea. At first the host dismissed me, calling me a ' mentally diseased nut.' I called every day. Other listeners were surprisingly receptive. Eventually a curious host asked a few questions before cutting me off. Finally it became his idea. (Longtime listeners knew the truth.) "It took perseverance but I considered it a calling. At first it was not well received. In most settings those for and against were evenly divided. It helped some when the arch conservative ' Heredity Foundation' cautiously said, ' The idea has merit.'The main stumbling block turned out to be a bureaucratic nightmare.

"The DEA had the dope and never the twain shall meet. Mind you, this is just my opinion. All I know is that the debate had reached an impasse. Between raids and seizures it seemed bales of pot had begun to back up. (Apparently narcs were so overwhelmed they couldn't smoke or sell it as fast as it was coming in.)

"The breakthrough came when some displaced Kansas farmers built an incinerator to dispose of the nation's illegal contraband. The town staged a party for the first firing. Now I don't know this for sure, but I've heard the whole town switched from Republican to Democrat overnight. Ultimately the DEA's disposal problem trumped all other obstacles. It was a win-win proposition for all. ' Bales for Baghdad'became the refrain. It was on bumper stickers ' Send Bales, Not Troops.' The message was on the radio. It echoed off buildings from public address systems."

The masses really got behind this one.